For so many years, I have lived in a constant loop. It started at a young age, believing that I wasn’t intelligent, that I wasn’t good enough for any activity including recreational sports for that matter.
It first started off as a thought, then later it became part of me. Living in my own world, I always had a firm belief, or rather a different mindset that, I couldn’t have been born without one single thing I am good at, impossible right?
Losing hope isn’t always in the equation, but when reality creeps in, the strength of holding on to that rope of ‘hope’ starts to fade away. Your mind becomes a playground for such thoughts, they build sandcastles, they build offices and finally they build homes inside your mind, meaning those thoughts are definitely not going anywhere anytime soon. I have always looked down upon myself especially being surrounded by those straight ‘A’ students in class and when I thought the pain was over uponhearing the lunch bell ring, I had to face the top notches in sports like Basketball, Volleyball, Tennis, to name a few as I was an all-rounder because I was trying to find where I really belonged, where I didn’t feel out of place, but the end is always the same in such cases.
However, as an ambivert, at least that’s what I think of myself now, it was hard for me to ask around for advice, it was hard to even ask my own parents to at least give me a shade of light upon the darkness I was leaning towards, I couldn’t. It’s so sad for a kid to go through such and not have the courage to try to help himself all in the name of self-doubt. Nowadays, people often feel more comfortable telling their friends everything happening in their lives, but for me, it was the complete opposite, since I had no one, I was all alone.
There is a difference between being surrounded by people and being with people. What do I mean? I mean, often we are surrounded by so many people, but they don’t even know what we/you are going through, in other words, they are just minding their own business and ‘being with the people’ simply means that one is conversing, interacting and/or living with the people which makes it easier to consult, get help and free yourself from drowning in such thoughts.
Now the question is, what did I do to overcome this and be where I am now today? Well, the answer isn’t always clear, however, there are ways that I had to teach myself andadapt to, so as to have some kind of progress in my life.
I started writing and reading poetry, something that never made any sense before, became clearer as I could relate more to it. I also bought a camera, well an old one, but who cares anyway, the most important thing is that I found it easier to express myself and my feelings through taking pictures from a different perspective that could, however, show or tell how I felt without being poetic. I realized I was multi-talented, and until to this day, it has helped me a lot in fighting my own body and mind, fighting the insecurities, the laziness, the negative thoughts, and it HELPED!
Fighting your own body and mind can be a very lengthy process, however, knowing that you are reading this simply tells me that you are willing to go the extra mile to try to help yourself, thus, having the patience for it.
Find! what you love doing the most, what makes you smile and happy, as it serves as a drive from negative emotions towards something more positive and enlightening, I call that magic.
I am sure most people are believers, as I am myself, and pray! prayer is also a weapon in your life, praying and working for a good turn in your life, yes that works only if you have the patience and belief that it will work.
I have come across many people I thought of as friends who always lowered and pinned me down, always degraded me, and seeing any progress in life was even harder as I would compare myself to them. If you want to make a change in your life, you have to be willing to let go of those people even if it means you will be alone for some time, you have to be willing to let go of the good to attain the better, that’s how you fight your own body and mind, that’s how you start to gain more control of your life. It works very well,
I now see what they call ‘the light at the end of the tunnel’.